Within the heart of every adopted child, teen, or adult is this question to our adoptive parents: "What do you think about my birth parents?"
Of course, we would never tell our parents. We are fiercely loyal.
What are we really saying?
"Do you love ALL of me? Do you love the parts of me that my birth parents gave to me?"
Giving honor to the birth parents is the key that unlocks unconditional love for the adopted child.
You might be saying, "You don't know my child's birth parents. They're addicts. How and why would I ever say good things about them?"
Let me hear your thoughts on this short post.
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Warm wishes,
Sherrie
I am an adoptive parent of a now 10 year old. I know for myself, if I love something and it is an important part of me and my life, I want those closest to me to love and accept that/them too. So for an adoptive child, I would imagine that would be the same for them but on a much stronger lever that I can't really understand having not been adopted myself. I would think they would feel rejected if the people closest to them rejected that part of them that they find important or love.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter knows her bio parents, she lived with them the first 5 years of her life. They live a life of addiction and abuse that she suffered. I never say anything negative about them, we pray for them nightly and I do give her the truth about their actions when she asks. I share postive things about them, even though it is hard to find at times. I don't have to say anything negative about them, their actions speak for themselves and I feel like I would be adding to her pain by saying negative things about them.
She asks me about once or twice a year if I hate them or if I am angry with them. I tell her I don't hate them, I just don't like their choices because it hurt her, me and themselves. I tell her sometimes I do feel angry with them because my anger comes out when I feel hurt and I do feel hurt when she hurts. I hope she understands that, not sure...
Am I thinking about it correctly from my daughters point of view?
Jackie.......How do any of us know what is or isn't correct to say....I have learnt to say , is this helpful......to you, to me...to them.....what is useful to one is not to another.......there are some things that are just not black and white I am finding.....that goes for raising any of our children....so I am finding out!
DeleteIt seems that before children reach the age of about 9/10 their brains have not yet developed to that place where they can understand or think more abstractly about issues, or do any critical thiinking, so things to them are more black and white.....then they hit the next developmental stage and the brain accommodates being able to think wider and less concrete.....that's a generalisation of. Course,
I find it I greeting she asks you if you hate them or are angry with them.....I wonder if that is because she is.....is she able to say that herself......not about how you view them or what you say about them or not say.......
I am not sure how my a parents felt about my birth parents. I don't think they seemed to think about them let alone discuss anything about them. I knew my mother had strong views about women who had sex outside of marriage, and it was nothing to do with religious views.....and even more so married women.....so,I just always assumed she would feel negative toward my birth mother and will have judged her.
I feel as a young girl I took my cue from my amother, and did not express what I really felt, but went along with her in fear that she would be annoyed with me, or say things that made me feel more insecure and that I had upset her and she didn't like me or I was a bother.
I often wondered by some of my behaviour if she felt I was I was more like the unknown genetic side of my family when things were not good with me.....that left the only good traits and things would be from her Side of the family....and that never sat well with me.
Shefalie
Hey Shefalie,
DeleteI am so sorry that your mother did not give you more freedom to express what you felt. That must have been really hurtful.
My daughter tells me she is very angry with her parents for their choices. She tells me she does not want to see or talk to them because she is angry with them. She may feel hate toward them, I am not sure but she never mentions the word hate. She does tell me she is more angry with her mother than her father because she says her mother was meaner and hit her more. She evens gives me examples sometimes of what her mother said or did. I just acknowledge her feelings...partly out of not knowing what else to do or say and I listen.
We have already discussed what she might say to adults and other kids who question her about her living situation or her adoption. I always encourage her to say anything she is comfortable saying. I tell her to say as much as she wants but if she does not want to share, then tell them it is personal and she does not want to talk about it. I have never told her what to say to others except to give her some ideas of what to say when she does not want to talk about it.
Once on the playgroud, I heard some kid ask her why she didn't live with her parents and she told them "because they made bad choices so I live with my Aunt Jackie". The other kid, said, that is good but do you miss them. She said, sometimes but things are way better at my
Aunt Jackie's. I cried but she went on playing like it was normal conversation.
In second grade when the adoption was final and we received the new birth certificate, she took both birth certificates to show and tell for her class and shared about her adoption. Her teacher called me and told me what she said. At the end of her talking, she told the class "I know you will have questions but that is all I am telling you so don't ask me any more questions." Her teacher said that only one kid asked more and she had to intervine on. I thought this was awesome for 8 years old.
Thank you for being willing to share your own experience and feelings. You may never know how helpful and encouraging it is to so many of us.
Jackie, Thank you.
DeleteIn my opinion being able to be willing to listen to your daughters words, way of seeing and experiencing her birth family, without making judgements on them or her, is invaluable. It would show to me that her heart trusts you as much as she is able to with her more negative feelings. You are sowing the seeds for later years when she is older, that she can come and share if and how things change for her.
Thank you Anonymous, that is very encouraging.
DeleteMy brother suffered addictions and died a few years ago. It has taken a long time to accept that addiction is a disease and let go of the ideas that he made conscious choices in his battle. The very nature of addiction makes it hard to get help. There are brain differences. I wish for myself, that I had been able to understand this earlier in my life, would have avoided so much anger I had for his actions. Best of luck with your daughter.
DeleteChristine
Hey Christine,
DeleteYou are right, it is a disease and not as simple as a just a choice. When young people start trying alcohol or drugs, most times they never realize the long term affects if they are an addict. However, I do believe even thought the brain is altered, and it is very hard to do, I do believe that getting help is a choice anyone with addiction/s makes. If I understand correctly, you do not feel this way. You have some great insites, would you share with me why you think it is different?
Jackie
I have an adopted 12 year old daughter. Her birth mother was and still is a drug addict. We have been very blessed with the rest of her extended birth family as we have a great relationship with them and keep in constant contact as they are "healthy" and safe people. I was able to sit down with her great-grandfather before he died and taped him telling stories about her family history. She's not really interested in them now, but I know she will be some day and I want to have things ready for her when she is. We've really focused on finding the good things in her mother and family, because I'm convinced that there's good in every family; even when people mess up. It's not easy sometimes, especially when the anger and hurt is there for the mistakes and poor choices that have been made that hurt my daughter deeply.
ReplyDeleteSherrie, I agree. Unkind comments about a child's natural family can be terribly hurtful and damaging. Adoptees should have the freedom to love ALL their parents, and to explore their feelings for their natural parents without fear of how their adoptive parents will feel or react. Not only that, negativity toward the natural family is negativity toward the child's origins, and I can only imagine how extremely hurtful that would be. I have a friend whose children did suffer abuse adn neglect before coming to her initially through the foster care system. She does an excellent job balancing their needs for security and emotional safety with their needs for continued contact with their original family. It can be done. : ) (Obviously, severe abuse would warrant something different. Every situation is different and should be considered carefully.)
ReplyDeleteAs for addiction, it is a very difficult thing. One of my family members suffered with addiction. We didn't love her any less because she was an addict, but were terribly sad at what for what that meant in her life. It's completely possible to show children that we can love someone very much even while being very sad about their choices.
WP it is so true, it can be done! But for so many of us it's been a difficult journey.
ReplyDeleteI am of mixed race/bi-racial/dual nationality/ whatever the present terminology is to describe us "hard to place" children when agencies were looking for people to put us with. I hasten to add my experience is through the UK care system which I believe slightly different than the USA. Our issues however are the same.
By MY a parents omission to acknowledge my origins, my skin colour tone (placing it as having been in the sun! To all who were curious or down right rude) . Me hearing certain derogatory comments about people from the same country and color as my birth family, though not said direct to me. How can a child who already has attachment issues. No genetic markers in the a family to mirror their own looks and traits fail to feel odd and out of place
Also what is acceptable in the family and points of view, may not be mirrored outside the cocoon of a good adoptive family, and all kids need to not only know they are loved and acceptable for who the are, but also need to be helped to be able to know what to say when others ask them things when not with the family. How to answer others was always an issue for me. Do I say what my family say, or am I free to develop my own sesns of identity which includes all of my culture and origin. Sadly my parents failed to help me with this.
Shefalie