Dear friends,
Oh, my goodness. I'm reading a wonderful book by Charles Stanley called "Surviving in An Angry World."
He talks about different kinds of anger. Crock pot anger is rooted in bitterness and resentment. Always boiling at the bottom of the soul, influencing everyone. Another kind of anger is "Walk on Eggshells" anger.
This is so convicting. He says there IS one good kind of anger though. I'll share with you tomorrow. Do you have Crockpot anger? I think I have:-)
Your thoughts?
Sherrie
Well put like that I guess I have had.....others have said as I grew up that they never knew how I was going to be.....but mostly placid....and yet there always seemed to be something eating away at me underneath but they couldn't quite put there finger on it.......
ReplyDeleteI don't think my anger really began to bubble away u til I hit my teens....and something In the changes of hormones was like the moving of the sea plates....starting to set in motion a tsunami of emotions.......that erupted.....and I was surprised I had feelings that were so strong and opposite to what I had been expressing.......the negative feelings I did express made me feel guilty and bad in the way I was as a person toward my adoptive parents.....who wondered where all this stuff was coming from and why......
Shefalie
I had this kind of anger for a long time. It didn't take much for it to show and I spued it all over everyone. I was angry at everything and everybody. I had zero tolerence for anyone.
ReplyDeleteIt took some theropy, lots of praying and lots of forgiveness for it to finally even out and become more realistic.
I definitely have this kind of anger. I don't think I recognized it or allowed it to come to the surface until I was an adult. I think it was only when I started to have adult size problems that I couldn't keep my anger pushed down to where it was hidden from everyone, including me.
ReplyDeleteWhen big problems in my life started to happen I think I started to feel like, "what else am I going to have to deal with" and "it's not fair". I found myself resentful and so very angry. Obviously, I still don't have it under control the way I would like to.
Deb
This is not so much about the topic but wanted a space to say this if that is ok........I recently watched a nature programme called earth flight about birds from all cou tires, and their flight patterns, it's amazing how they look out for each other as they fly in sequence and migrate etc.......they showed how they made the program, by placing cameras on certain birds so you are actually seeing the earth as they see it....with them....you fly with them.
ReplyDeleteIn showing how the program was made, they had a French man who did research into birds, and he hatched about 7 duck eggs and broke them open when time to be hatched and soothe first thing they saw was him, and they thought he was their mother.....so they followed him everywhere, and he trained them to do the things ducks do in water etc....and eventually he trained them to fly in sequence by fling alongside them in a heli pad machine...they followed him, we're near him, would come to his call.....it was amazing.........that birds could do this with a human right from birth......
And it made me wonder about the bonding.....and if birds can do it why can't we do it when we are not raised with our bmothers.....but raised by mothers........who are mothers in every sense, but naturally.......
Somehow I felt sad deep down , that these ducks had a surrogate mother they had bonded with right from the beginning....and there was me......who had no clue who my mother was....or that I had a mother figure to follow for,the first years of my life....and then I wonder why I don't bond.......Imdont know what that is......but I can copy what others do in a bio family, if they call her mother I do as well......but something has always been missing......and I wonder with adoptive parents.......do they find something is missing with the bonding process.....how do they know they have bonded.....does it have a feeling.......
I feel angry, that I have missed that part out and won't ever have it.....perhaps that is crockpot anger?
Shefalie
I want to respond to Shefalie's question about adoptive parents. I am an adoptive parent who adopted a child who was 5.5 years old. Do I feel something missing with the bonding process. I may struggle explaining but yes I feel something is missing. I am missing history with my child. I am missing being able to share with her the things she did as a baby. I am missing preparing for her to come home from the hospital. For me, it feels like a loss and it makes me sad. I don't know if that really answered the question.....
ReplyDeleteHow do I know if I have bonded with her? I see the bonding happending in small steps and over lots of time. She has to learn to trust again.... I see it in small ways when she is willing to share a feeling with me, when she is willing to share something/anything about her past. That tells me she is trying to trust me. I see it when she is willing to risk being vulnurable with me, even if it is small. I hear it when she is finally able to tell me she loves me first (for my daughter, it took her over a year to be able to tell me she loved me). That is risking for her. I see it when she lets me into her pain, into her fear just to be with her in it...even if just in small ways.
I don't know if this is what Shefalie was asking....I think I need to think about this more also...
thanks Jackie.
ReplyDeleteI think what i hear you saying is that as an adoptive mother, you too have a loss to deal with, which is not just about not having the early history with your adoptive daughter, and that shared connection...and bonding\attachement, but you have your own loss of not having a baby of your own, that you could do these things with from the start....i may be wrong on that one......
It is a loss, that is why you might feel or sense it as such.....we all have areas where we have to grieve our own losses.....i am not sure my adoptive mother ever grieved or saw that she had a loss to grieve in not being able to have a girl child\baby. she had boys, and wanted a girl, even called her third boy by a girls name until....she was born.....a he.....and she felt inadequate in some way i think becasue she couldnt produce a girl....so she went and got one.....ready made, over the potty training stage and more of an independent person, and she got me! i think i fitted the bill on all her accounts...lol.....
thanks for giving info on the bonding....for you that is what it is....a way of connecting and attaching.....for me i was always anxiously attached to my amother.....i was never able to sit securley or rest in her love......how sad that is.....for us both....if i could go and re do it now.....i would do it differetnly.......or try again....
shefalie
You are right Shefalie in that I feel the loss of not having the history to share with my daughter...the bonding/attachment in the earlier years. I do not feel the loss of not having my own child by birth in that my situation is a little different. I did not go looking for a child and was not intending to have a child. However, the Lord placed her in my life and the situation changed. I can't imagine my life without her now and what a blessing to me from the Lord.
DeleteYes, I do believe we have to grieve our own losses first. I have grieved many of my own hurts and continue to do so.
I pray that my daughter will one day rest in my love for her. How do you think I can help her with that?
Eye contact with you. Willingness for safe touch.
DeleteJackie.....you asked....how can I help my daughter rest in my love for her...........to be honest from my own experience.....I am not sure.....this was something I was never able to do in my own life with my adoptive mother......as I look back it was not that she didn't care , or love me in her way, I can now see it as love in action .....not necessarily by words spoken, or more likely not spoken.......we can all say many things.....and we do need to hear the words many many times, we are loved, accepted, valuable.. Wanted.....etc.....maybe a little more than others.....but it's really how we act and are in our behaviour how we show it.......
DeleteBut for me.....it's only as I have come to some faith....and learning about Gods love to me, what he says about me.....that my heart can begin to rest...to learn how to rest.......and then from that position, I have been able to look at my adoptive parents through eyes of my heart that is being restored, and my sight being corrected in the lens of his love......hope that makes sense.....and to ask him to help me rest in what my a parents were offering me.....in the first place.....to be able to ask forgiveness for resisting them and fighting with them.....when really It was mostly I was so unhappy with myself.
Shefalie
Shefalie,
DeleteI will be sure to tell her often of her value, her worth, that she is wanted and loved. I will examine and be sure my words match my actions as well to reinforce the message to her. She is learning of God's love for her now and her identity in Him so maybe all together she can learn to rest in my love and know her value.
Thank you for sharing, I am grateful!
Jackie....somehow my response was put in the wrong place! I was responding to "how will I know bonding has occurred?"
ReplyDeleteThank you Sherri, those are two crucial ways to tell and thatnk you for reminding me. She allows safe touch unless she is angry. If she is, then she will not allow me to touch her until after she settles down, then she will allow me if I am slow and very gentle with her. Eye contact is coming along. She has eye contact with me on most subjects. Sometimes she will not if we are discussing her birth parents. I re-assure her that it is ok to talk about them, that I am not upset and will answer her questions as best I can. I re-assure her it is ok to feel what she is feeling and that her and I will work through it together, she is not alone. Is that the right approach?
DeleteJackie,
DeleteTell her that you love her birth parents as much as she does!
Just an idea.
Sherrie
Great idea Sherrie, I will tell her that. For me, that will be easy to do. She asks me if I hate her parents and this will be a great way to re-assure her when that conversation comes up. Thank you for your help.
Delete