What do we do when we're boiling over with anger? How do we go to sleep at night when everything within us is churning?
For me, I need to go back to the 12 Steps for Adoptees and live out the first step:
WE ADMIT THAT WE ARE POWERLESS OVER THE PAINFUL FEELING INSIDE THAT SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT AND ARE WILLING TO CONSIDER UNGRIEVED LOSS AS A CONTRIBUTING FACTOR.
Consider Moses. He had enough anger to kill an Egyptian.
Your thoughts?
Love,
Sherrie
For me as an adoptee........I believe , a bit like Moses.......there is a time or maybe many times in our lives when the truth of our situations hits us more with the reality of our beginnings........I think of Moses and wonder how he managed those growing years within th pe house of his adoptive parents and relating to a sibling brother.....he may well have had real feelings for Pharoah his dad......and his adoptive mum......but within the walls of our homes we can know a different acceptance, or a relationship than when we go outside and have to face the world and people who don't know us, dont know us and what. Ales us tick......similar to everyone else we meet........and Inwould find my anger would start to surface......when independence kicked in......more and more.....and i started to become angry because I had never formed an identity of who I really was, all of my history.....was I the daughter of my adoptive parents, or was I the daughter of these two unknown people who brought me about and left me......where was I from and what ethnic origin was I from......how do you relate to people outside your home walls and did my adoptive parents help me with that....my anger very much was the normal identity crisis but much much more........there came a time when I really didn't know where I belonged or who I was....and that quest caused much anger. It was not a fault of my a parents........but a bit like Moses, he knew his people were different than the Egyptians.......and may e his anger did boil over alongside all the mental anguish he must have gone through when he had to work it all out as a man......who he was.......and his purpose in life with his history........I have felt an anger that had wanted to run down in my car men who reflected my bfather and his ethnic origin........my anger was my loss for sure and I had no idea how to grieve or even talk about it.....as my parents didn't.....I was unprepared for many things in life.....and that is why it's so good for you adoptive parents being here and writing down for us adoptees your own struggles with us and the issues.....we learn from your own heartache too......
ReplyDeleteCan I ask of you........for myself......how do you deal with our identity issues....how do you prepare your kids.....what do you say to them through their anger about their losses........even though we have you.....and your care.....how do you handle our hidden losses that spurt out from the anger that makes us grit our teeth in the nighttime....and fills our dreams in shadows that never really show their faces?
Thank you a parents for being here to help your children......maybe you can help me....to understand my own a parents a bit more......through sherries books and help from other forums I have learnt to know how to grieve and continue todo so, thereby releasing some of the anger I carried too long and took out unfairly on my a parents.I am sorry.
Shefalie
As an adoptive mother, this brought tears to my eyes. It's a great insight into my adult adopted daughter's anger of which she takes out on me. I await the day when she addresses it and realizes that she is unfairly taking out on me - and her Dad and sister. I can never know her pain..but understanding it helps.
DeleteShefalie...you sound so grounded and real.
Thank you.
ReplyDeleteif I am at grounded it is because there have been too many years that I was like your daughter, not able to stop and address the things which were indeed my issues. They may have started as a tentacle from the huge tap roots of rejection or often perceived rejection......and grown in the soil fed by misunderstandings, non healthy communication, lack of understanding on both sides.....and my inability to receive love that was being shown and offered, because it had to get down into the bedrock and core part that was damaged before I came to be with my family......we know so much more now about the brain....attachment issues etc......and there was a time I stopped running.....and began to deal with the gnawing pain that threatened to destroy all relationships and myself......
I blamed my a parents......for not being able to understand and help me as an adoptive/ foster child of bi racial origins, of different colouring......of different nature and interests than the whole family......of having no generic markers to guide me....no same genes.....and my resentment of my siblings who were all bio.....and my belief my amother preferred them really to me......they were hers.....she had borne them....and I had dropped out of the sky and found myself in their nest......yes I found fault with them as I got older.....and I left home , I needed to get away.....for many reasons.....and when I started to look at the issues I then found I now had good enough reasons to tell them where they went wrong......and I was like I was because of their lack.......I was not great to be with....and I remember being so angry silently with my dad.....that I refused him as a father.....I did not receive him.....you see.....you may receive us as your children when young or as babies......but at some stage we have to receive you as well......and I am not sure I ever fully did that.when or could do .and I hurt my a parents a lot.....so I know what you are saying and I know what your daughter is not saying in part......and I am sorry.......sorry for the hurt we can cause you without meaning too or really knowing why we are angry....but feeling its justified because we are adoptees......yes we have pain it's true.......but we had it before we came to you......in a way we had flaw lines within.....trauma in our cellular memories.....and without people like Sherrie and her books......to help us understand...and to try to allow healing our brokenness..we would all still be in a mess with it all.....I learnt though not to use it as an excuse to dump all my anger though on my a parents.and am still learning that......I will pray for your daughter.......and for you.
Thankyou for sharing with us.....we learn from you and your perspectives.......can I ask.....do you know why your daughter is so angry with you all?
met her birth mother at 19,was in an abusive relationship with a boyfriend, with our urging and being with new friends working away at a summer camp, she broke up with b/friend, she was free and her beautiful self again albeit briefly - however she was vulnerable and was convinced by the old b/friend to run away and elope at 19. Being controlled and manipulated with no life since. Her light has gone out. Her anger could be a reaching out to us, her cup running over from the relationship,adoption anger, and/or a combo of it all. I don't think she is angry at us..just taking whatever it is out on us. We await the day she comes to her senses. Thank you for your prayers. I pray continuously for her.
DeleteShefalie - I forgot to say thank you for your emotional history. I am sorry for all that you have gone through and am greatful for your sharing as it helps me understand.
DeleteThank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to know what drives another person.....what causes them to feel they are not worth much and stay in a relationship that is abusive, or not fulfilling.......what attracts us back into them.....and how a relationship like that can influence us to be harsh with our parents......being controlled and manipulated in our minds is one of the issues I think adoptees have a real vulnerability about, and making healthy choices within relationships....
I remember finding out some I of about my bmother that was not good.....and no one talked me through it.....and I began to think I must be like her then.....and would begin to date people who treated me poorly, I was vulnerable.....but a bad relationship was better than none etc.....and my choices were based on what I had learnt about my bmother....and my then perceptions.....resulting from that and my beginnings, not based on what my a parents had tried to instill in me.......
If there is anything from my experience that can help others then I am happy to be able to share.......I know it's not easy to share from the emotional aspect, but it's where one can find real ness and I am learning g not to be ashamed to share.
Shefalie
Thanks...and is there anything I can do to help her see this destructiveness or know that she is worth so much more...or is it truly something that needs to come from within herself.
DeleteShefalie,
DeleteI am glad you are learning not to be ashamed to share. Sharing some of the emotional things you share to me shows your strength and the emotional work you have done in your own life.
For me it had to come from within, and also as I have just recently shared in my post to jackie on crockpot anger replies, that it was to do with finding some faith....till then nothing seemed to change.......
ReplyDeleteI wonder if you wrote something to her, about how you feel, how you see things, how you love her etc, and see jer with worth, because she is who she is.....that no matter what.....you will always be her parents etc.....something like that......and maybe you won't send it, butnyoubwill write her as the adult she is now from a mothers heart.......if you do and take a time to send or give it to her, she can have it to read when she needs too......when she is ready......it's part of your legacy to her.....imsomwish I had something positive written about myself, other than the negative disapproval I had, which I am sure I deserved......but I also deserved some understanding of my adoption situation, and what I was facing as a young adult. I may not have been able to receive it right then, but I still would have it to read....and re- read.......just a thought of the top of my head.....
Shefalie
Thank you, Shefalie. This is a wonderful idea.
DeleteFinding faith makes sense.
And if she is not ready to receive all this now, she can re read my writings when she is ready or needs to.
Thank you and Blessings...